my name is emma. this is my less serious blog. if i'm following you, this means that i trust that you won't judge me. whatever i say on here is serious. this will pretty much be things i need to get off my chest, or really just venting and ranting. thank you so much for following.
just an update
recently my mom is doing some sort of study on anger. we talked about how we handle anger. and we both agreed that i take it out on other people.
it’s not like i can help it that much i guess, but it’s true. when i’m upset or angry, i’m just bitter towards everyone. but it’s not in a way such as OH GOD I’M SO ANGRY I HATE EVERYTHING INCLUDING YOU, but more in a way where i’m trying to display the fact that i want to be left alone.
but i guess that’s the way i am most of the time. i love just sitting around and doing nothing and being lazy. i’d much rather sit by myself and read a book or listen to music than hang out with people.
lately though, i’ve learned to control my anger and be more patient. i’ve been put in situations where normally i’d erupt and just blow things out of proportion. but i did what i do best; thought about it.
normally i have a problem of thinking too much. i over analyze things and i don’t stop until it drives me crazy. especially when it comes to keeping friends. but for the first time, when i was angry, i sat there and thought, okay emma, so what if you go off on this girl? yes, she is being very irritating, but if you bitch at her, you’ll just be sinking to her level. so go ahead, call her ignorant and immature and yell at her for being stupid, but you’re just doing exactly what she’s doing. you’ll be just like her.
so i sat there for a minute and asked her nicely to please stop harrassing me. i told her i didn’t appreciate it, and if she was in my situation, she wouldn’t either.
the next morning i checked my formspring, and there was an apology from her. and i felt great. i felt like i had done something right. i can only imagine what would’ve happened if i went off on her infuriated like i wanted to.
sometimes anger can’t be controlled, but there are instances when it can be, all depending on your intentions.
okay, not gonna lie, this is really weird to me
my friend Zoe is dating a transexual. in my mind, i think transsexualism is absurd. i have trouble calling her boyfriend a “he” in all honesty, because even though (i’ll just use the name) Cameron acts and looks like a guy, doesn’t mean he is a guy. to me, he’ll always be a girl, and i’m having a heard time accepting the fact that she’s dating him.
but Cameron makes Zoe really happy, and even though it makes me uncomfortable, i’m not going to ruin it for her
this is only the second time she’s been in a relationship
and at least i’ll know that they’re not having sex
I’m a christian. But I can’t say that I always have been. Most people choose to be agnostic or atheist because they find a problem, or flaw if you will, in gods design. 90% of the time, it’s because of suffering. And that was exactly my problem. I just gave up on religion completely. I was suffering so much that I even tried to kill myself. I would say god, if you love me, why are you making me go through this? that was pretty much my life for the longest time. I just wanted to drop everything I had ever known.
As you may know, I was in a bike accident in may and I could’ve been killed and blah blah blah. But that was exactly what turned my lifestyle around.
I was so distracted by everything. I didn’t think about god anymore. The bike accident was a wake up call. I didn’t die. God spared me for some reason. The hardest thing for me is having to live on knowing that it will be a long time before I learn why I was spared.
But I’ll know one day
And that’s why I’m not giving up on christianity. No matter how many faults and flaws I found, there was always a loophole. There was always something that made me discover that I was wrong and god was right.
for example: suffering. I found two things wrong about giving up on god because you suffered.
God’s son suffered. He had to go through pain beyond anyone’s imagination. So if his own son had to be tortured, what’s your excuse? What you’re going through compaired to what Jesus is basically impossible. So say your best friend spread rumors about you, and turned everyone against you. Would you rather go through that high school drama, or be killed with steaks driven into your flesh? That’s one reason why god puts us through hardship. To show us that Jesus didn’t have it easy, so you shouldn’t either. Favoritism is wrong, even god knows that. Ever heard the expression “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” ? That’s exactly it. Everything I’ve had to go through might have made me hate god, but in some insane way, it brought me even closer to him. God brings suffering to us so we can turn to him. Also because he knows how it will effect you in the end. It’s almost like he’s shaping you right before your eyes. But half of us don’t even realize it because we’re too distraught from pain. As crazy as it sounds, suffering is good.
Christians are so stereotyped. But let me set the record straight.
I’m not a republican nor will I ever be. I don’t care if gays have rights. I may not be pro abortion, but I don’t think it should be illegal (under circumstances). And I most definitely don’t try to convert anyone of different religion. I’m not going to sit here and shove a bible in your face. If you don’t believe what I believe, then you just don’t. That’s not my job anyway. It’s god’s.
So go ahead and try to tell me god doesn’t exist. I’m not here to debate with you. But if you respect what I believe, then I’ll respect what you believe.
I love riding my bike. Besides the Internet, it’s the best way for me to clear my head. It makes me feel strong, invincible, and untouchable. It’s also the only form of excersize that I don’t mind doing. But back in may, I was in a bike accident that could’ve killed me instantly. But it didn’t. I was fine. Cuts and bruises everywhere, and a black eye, but no broken bones or brain damage (I wasn’t wearing a helmet)
That had to be one of the scariest times of my life. Because it felt like my world was being ripped open to the public. As Hayley of paramore says in one of their songs, “I found a demon in my safest haven.” I was scared. I didn’t feel safe. And it kind of still feels that way. The girl who hit me with her car never apologized. She never said a word to me. But maybe she’s scared too. It’s hard to say, because I don’t know if she’s scared that she could’ve taken someone’s life, or scared that I might sue her.
But either way, nothing feels as safe as it used to.
I really want a tattoo of this one day. I think this is my favorite album.
I really can’t stand drugs, at all
I’ve said this a million times before, but ranting about it never gets old. I’ve been exposed to drugs many many times, usually at parties. But I always do the same thing; just get the fuck out of there. I don’t think they should be used as a medicine, or stress reliever, and I will never, ever understand why people think it’s cool. It’s not. It’s killing you. Maybe not right away, but slowly but surely it is. I was at a party once. One kid brought a bunch of weed. I left. The next day, I heard that a girl at that party got high, ran out in the middle of the road, and almost got killed because she was hit by a car. I barely knew her, but either way, I had absolutely no sympathy for her. Even though weed is apparently the “safest” drug out there, I’m still against it. It’s hazardous, just like every other drug. I don’t give a fuck if people smoke it occasionally. Like my brother. He smokes weed sometimes. He says it’s for his stomach, but let’s get real here. Looking at his lifestyle, it’s obvious that he smokes weed because it’s what people his age do. Every fucking day of my life I wish he would stop because along with smoking cigarettes, which he does, it’s going to cut his life short. That could mean he’ll get lung cancer when he’s 40 and die young, or it could mean he’ll only have a few years taken off of his life. But to me, that doesn’t matter. He’s still killing himself, slowly but surely. It makes me cry just thinking about it. Without my brother, I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. But the way he’s living now is going to effect how he’s dying later. Same with everyone else who’s on drugs. My goal is to go my entire life without using, or even trying any drugs.
but just for future reference, alcohol is a different story that I’d rather not mention.
right now, reality is setting in for the first time.
My best friend is moving. I don’t know where yet, but her parents are leaning toward isreal. I’ve known for a while now, but i’ve never though about it that much because I knew I’d get upset if I did. But now, I just can’t help it. She’s been the only person who has stayed by me for everything. She’s put up with my bullshit, and even helped me cope with my depression. When we’re together, there isn’t a dull moment. Of course we’ve gotten into fights. We’re actually complete opposites. But she’s one of maybe two people who hasn’t given up on me. And not having her there is going to be the biggest adjustment I’ll ever have to make. Fuck, I sobbed my eyes dry when she changed schools, but now she’s moving possibly half way around the world. It’s not any time soon, but it’s going to happen.
I’m overcontemplating this right now. I need some sleep.
Goodnight friends. Stay pretty.
this is allison. i don’t know if she knows it or not, but she holds me together. every morning she greets me with a smile and a hug, and even if i’m in a horrible mood, i just can’t help but give her one in return. she’s so much fun to hang out with. whenever i’m sick or hospitalized, she comes to visit me. we have so many memories together. but we’re not as close as we could be, and that’s what worries me. Allison and i have never been in a fight, and that is a good and bad thing. when i get in a fight with a friend, it’s always over something serious, and usually something i did. and if a friend and i get in a fight, it’s always a close friend. Allison is truthfully one of my best friends, but i don’t want to get any closer than we already are, because having a friend like her is what keeps me going.
if you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering who this is and what’s going on
this is emma jones.
like alex, annah, and many others, i’ve decided to make a more serious blog. if you follow this, it means you care about what i have to say. if i’m following you, it means that i want you to know what’s going on with me.
i sort of want to keep this on the down low. don’t reblog anything from here. if you need to tell me something that has to do with one of my posts on here, either make a separate post, or contact me on aim / msn.
i don’t know how much i’ll use this. maybe every day, maybe once a week, or maybe i’ll just forget about it after a few days.
but i plan on using it, and i really hope you’re willing to hear what i have to say.
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